I’m a recently divorced woman. When it became clear I could not save my marriage, I made the choice to divorce. Over the last eight months, my emotions have run the gamut from anger, relief, elation, empowerment, anger and yes, even anxiety and depression, and more anger.

Along the way, I think I’ve learned some things about myself, about the emotional process of divorce and a few other surprising discoveries. I am not an expert. I have no formal training, education or credentials but, I am a survivor and if I can do anything to help ease the process, then I am happy to share my breakup advice. After all, I want to help.

I hope that as you read these 10 things not to do when getting divorced, you will find at least one piece of divorce advice that you can take away and incorporate into your life.

1. Learn to forgive – immediately. Chances are your marriage disintegrated because you lost the ability to forgive. If you can forgive, then you can open yourself up to receive help, advice, love and other positive emotions that you won’t be able to process if you are closed off. In other words, imagine your anger as the Great Wall of China – completely surrounding you. At first it may feel safe, but eventually you’ll begin to notice that no one comes to visit. You peek out over the top of the wall and you can see everyone but no one can get inside. You have to open the secret door and let them in. The only way you can unlock the door is to begin to forgive and open yourself up to good things.

2. Don’t run out and get a lawyer. Unless you have a very serious and complicated case, many times, you can work with a pro bono law service. My uncontested divorce cost me $250. Yes, you read that right – $250. I worked with the local Self Help Law Center and prepared all of my own forms, including our parenting plan. Maybe the most important point here is that we put aside all of our ill feelings and we agreed on everything before we filed any papers. If I had to do all of this through an attorney it would have cost me a minimum of $2000. With a little effort and resourcefulness, I saved myself and my ex-husband a boatload of cash!

3. Don’t hang on to married family relationships. This was very hard for me because my husband’s family made up most of my social circle. When I realized that we could no longer be “friends” if felt like someone had reached in and ripped out part of my soul. Just accept, right away, that the family is to protect their own, even though they may still care for you, things cannot be the same. In almost all cases, you won’t be invited to family gatherings (birthdays and Christmas may be exceptions), you won’t be hanging out with your sister-in-laws and no one is going to call and check on you. You will have to form a new network of friends.

4. Don’t be selfish. Keep in mind that the decisions you make should first, always be in the best interest of your children. A good example would be when you son is sick but it’s the other parent’s day to see him. If you are thinking about the best interest of your son, you will forego the visit this week and let him stay in his jam-jams, resting comfortably until he is well. If having “your day” is so important, then arrange to get him an alternate day or some other compromise that makes sense. Don’t inconvenience your son just because it is “your day.” You’ll be raising your children for a long time. In the big scheme of things, one day is not going to make a lot of difference. Be flexible and easy to work with. Everyone wins this way. When you’ve let go of your anger, this unselfish compromise will be much easier.

5. Don’t jump into a new relationship. This is probably the most obvious, and the single most repeated piece of advice you’ve heard from your family and friends. Don’t date when you are getting divorced or soon after. Experts say that you should wait at least one year. This is because you need time to heal, get some perspective and clarity about your role in the break-up of your marriage. Plus, for some time you will be viewing every man you come into contact with through the same filter as your ex-husband. You will also find that you are hypersensitive to the things that were triggers for you and your ex. Until you have let go of all of those old feelings, you won’t be a healthy partner for anyone else.

6. Don’t alienate yourself. Go out. Make friends. Volunteer. Join a group, gym, quilting circle – even if you don’t want to. Spending too much time alone with yourself may give you time for introspection, exercise, house cleaning, yard work or other hobbies but, it also gives you too much time to live alone in your head. You need to be distracted and around other people. You need to learn how to relive your life. You really need to learn how to relate to other people, without anger, in a centered, healthy way. Getting out and around people is the best way to do this.

7. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Simply put, everyone knows you are unhappy. However, you don’t have to share your bad feelings with everyone all of the time. Learn to deal with your feelings in constructive ways like therapy, journaling, letter writing, or even blogging. Be mindful, that everyone around you does not want to constantly hear about your feelings, your divorce or be subjected to your anger. Sometimes, some things are better left to yourself.

8. Don’t alienate your ex-husband. He may be your greatest ally. When I needed a babysitter for a project outside of school, my ex was the first to volunteer so he could spend extra time with his kids. He became an ally because he was willing to help, even though we weren’t together anymore. Don’t be so quick to cut your ex out of your life completely. After all, he is the father of your children. Include him in the decisions that affect your kids like daycare/school, sports activities, doctor’s appointments, etc. Almost always, he will be willing to help if you are reasonable and easy to work with.

9. Don’t become attached to your anger. Your anger is not your friend. It sucks all the energy from you. It will scare away people that love you and leave you alone. It will not soothe your hurts, heal your wounds or bring love into your life. Let it go, as soon as possible. I promise, you will feel better, sooner than if you bore it like the proverbial cross.

10. Don’t think you are emotionally healthy and you can do this all on your own. Get some therapy. Find a support group. I cannot stress this enough. You need to hear feedback from people that are not emotionally attached to you.

I’ll close by saying that I am not naïve. I know that you are hurting. I remember some days my pain was so bad that I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to be happy again. What is key here is that you change your mind. Forgive, get rid of your anger, find someone to talk to and actively start building a new life.

If you are in the very early stages, of considering a divorce or separation, perhaps you might find this Family Law Secrets site useful and informative.