I started thinking today about my beliefs with regard to divorce and how they measure up to my real life experience.  I am a child of divorce and now as an adult, I have had the unfortunate experience of my own divorce.  Below are some revealing truths about divorce and why what you think you know, may not be correct.

Myth 1:  Divorcing couples always end up as enemies.

            This has a lot to do with your emotional health and point of view at a given point in time.  After the initial break up you will find yourself angry and resentful.  The good news is that these feelings can be put to rest using a variety of therapy techniques and the grass is actually greener on the other side of this septic tank. 

Think of it this way, would you rather wallow in a field of trash or a field of daisies?  If you continue to feed that anger and resentment then you will always have the proverbial banana peel stuck to your shoe.  In other words, you’ll never get out of the field of trash.

On the other hand, if you choose to forgive your former spouse and work cooperatively with him/her then you can look forward to many days of sunshine and smelling the daisies.

Another thought is that working cooperatively after a time of separation can actually lead to reconciliation if that is what you desire.  It’s been stated that approximately 10 percent all currently married couples in the US separated at some point and then later reconciled.  (Wineberg and McCarthy, “Separation and reconciliation in American marriages,” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 29, 1993: 131-46).

Myth 2: Children of divorced parents are better off.

We have all been taught to believe this and truthfully, I remember saying this very thing to my husband before we divorced.  I often extolled the undetermined damage we were doing to our children each time they witnessed our arguments and mistreatment of each other.

Researchers agree that there is a negative impact on children when they witness their parents in conflict however, children subjected to divorce suffer much more than if their parents stayed together.  Only in the most extreme cases were the children better off when the parents ended the marriage.  So in fact, it is better for parents to stay together and work through marriage and family counseling rather than resort to divorce.

As a bonus, when you can, working out the conflict provides a great teaching tool for your children.  They see from your example that it is possible to work out conflict, even in severe cases.

Myth 3:  My Divorce only affects my family.

Wrong!  The divorcing couple is also divorcing each other’s family.  When there are children involved it is especially important to consider how the divorce, child custody and visitation will impact other family members.  Every effort should be made to maintain a quality relationship with your ex-in-laws.

And, let’s not ignore friends.  I have seen countless examples of friendships broken by divorce.  Many times the former friends don’t even take sides – they simply don’t have anything in common with you because you were friends as a couple, and you are no longer part of a “couple.”  Expect some re-arranging of your friendships as you move through the early stages of your divorce.

Myth 4:  Women suffer from more loneliness after divorce than men.

Although more than ½ of the women reported that they felt lonely after divorce, men reported being just as lonely and confused as much as 20 years after their divorce.  In fact, it is the man who is more likely to remarry quickly after his divorce is final.  According to a 2004 report from the US Census Bureau, more than 53% of men surveyed had remarried after their divorce while only 42% of women. Men are generally more negative about divorce and will devote more energy into saving the marriage than women. 

Myth 5:  Women are more emotionally unstable after divorce.

While I agree that the first weeks and even months after you make the decision to end your marriage are ones of great emotional upheaval, I do not agree that this is a lasting condition.  In fact there countless examples of women who have excelled in their lives after their divorce.  I might even go so far as to say that these same women may never have achieved the same level of emotional health or professional success had they stayed in their marriages.

The truth is that women are more likely to notice the degeneration of their marriage and after enduring emotional abandonment; they feel greater relief when the marriage is over.  Women also have greater support systems than men. They are more likely to ask for and receive help from friends and family.  Finally, women become empowered after divorce because they accept new roles as parents and providers in their homes.

 Many of us hold long time beliefs about divorce and how it affects men, women and children.  I hope I’ve succeeded in revealing a different point of view to some commonly held myths about divorce.  More importantly, whatever your beliefs with regard to divorce, I hope you consider your decision carefully and seek counsel before making any dramatic changes.  The affects can last a lifetime.