I recently sent this letter to a new suitor.  I entered into this relationship against my better judgment.  Turns out, my instinct was right.

I found myself reverting to old patterns and allowing him to breach each emotional boundary I had established.   I am ashamed to admit it but my emotional autonomy was being eroded and many of my emotional dependency issues began to arise.

I began to recognize some familiar head games and could see the mental abuse going on.  My A$$ was getting handed to me and I felt like I was spiraling into an emotional depression.  I felt like retreating.  I knew I had to do something to salvage all the good work I had done over the past 6 months. I resolved to quietly end things on my terms.

As this New Year begins, I thought I would share this letter with all of you, just in case any of my girls out there are feeling they are in the same situation.  Here’s how I ended things.

Dear Lover,

There is a fundamental truth that as each year passes, we change and evolve.  It’s natural and unavoidable.  The question is, in what way do we change and how much do we evolve?

The New Year provides a good time to clean house and get rid of what is not working.  I find it extremely liberating to take stock of the various aspects of my life and see where the imbalances lie.

This process is painful.  One of the distinguishing characteristics of human relationships is that we can quickly develop powerful, and emotional attachments to other people and things.  Sometimes these emotions are misplaced.  When it is time to say good-bye, it often hurts.  Sometimes pain is pain…sometimes pain is growth.  I aim for the latter.

You may have guessed that the attachment that is not working for me is this new “relationship” with you. I find it frustrating, difficult, and it leaves a bitter aftertaste.  I don’t think we are on the same page and I am quite often left feeling foolish.

After my divorce, I made a promise to myself that I would not accept less than mutual value and respect in my relationships. Getting to know one another should be natural and organic.  With you, it feels guarded, reserved and unauthentic.

As I have moved through the last few days, many thoughts have passed through my mind.  Truthfully, my emotions have ranged the gamut, but it is a resolution of mine to always conduct myself with grace and dignity in all of my relationships.

The truth is, this is not the first time you have dropped off the map for a few days, nor is it the first time I’ve felt disappointed.  The result of this realization requires action from me.  I have carefully considered my decision over several days.  It was not made on a whim, or by emotion.

If I am unhappy, then the onus is on me to do something about it.  I don’t intend to make you feel guilty or blame you for why I am not getting my needs met.  The fact is that I am not, and it is time to move on.

In closing, I sincerely wish the best for you, your children and your business.  I feel confident that each of us will find the partner best suited for us when the time is right.

Best regards,

Consolata

I don’t know if I will hear from him again, or if I do, what he will say.  It doesn’t really matter.  I said my peace and I feel good about myself and how I ended things.  I feel emotionally powerful and healthy.

In sum Ladies, don’t forget that you have the power to change your circumstance and improve your emotional well being.  Don’t accept poor treatment.  Don’t compromise your emotional boundaries in your relationships.  Don’t accept excuses that don’t seem real.  And most importantly, don’t be a victim.

As a powerful woman, you can set your own emotional boundaries.  You can make the rules.  You can change your mind.  And, you can say good-bye with your grace and dignity in-tact.