Economics is the study of scarcity.  In the world there are unlimited wants but limited resources to fulfill those wants.  Therefore, the resources needed to fill those wants, becomes scare or harder to get.

The same is true about your time.  You may have unlimited people you want to help, activities or work that you want to do but, one thing remains constant – there are only 24 hours in a day.  Time is scarce.  For this reason, it is important to define your priorities, and build your personal boundaries to meet those priorities.  If you can do this you can overcome your low self-esteem, feelings of guilt or shame and live a happier more fulfilling life.

There is guilt embedded somewhere deep within the fiber of our people pleaser souls.  Guilt is woven so tightly that no matter how gentle we are with our family friends and/or colleagues– we can’t help but having feelings of guilt and shame when we say, “No.”  At first, saying no might create some feelings of  guilt but, making tough choices today will put you in a happier place tomorrow.

What if you had a way of overcoming this guilt?  Consider if you were guaranteed that by saying “No,” there would be no repercussions.  The person to whom you declared your rejection would have absolutely no hard feelings.  

Think about that for a moment and let the idea of what saying “No” would feel like if there were no negative consequences. 

What if you were guaranteed a free pass and permission to say “No,” then to whom or to what would you say it?  What project would you give up? From what group would you resign?  Of what responsibility would you divest yourself?  Is there a relationship you would end or a date you would break? 

Consider this and your responses carefully.  Perhaps it would be most helpful if you attacked this exercise by making a list.  Split your paper into quarters.  Label each section Work, Family, Friends and Activities.  Fill in things to which you can say “No” under each heading.  Here’s what my list might look like:

 Okay, now that we have a blueprint of things to which we should be saying “No,” next, we need to give ourselves permission to say “No.”  The best way to do this is to take the feelings of guilt and shame out of saying “No,” and prepare gracious and authentic responses for each item on our list.

For instance, I anticipate that at least one of my bosses is going to ask/suggest that I work extra during my Spring Break.  I want to be prepared for their question so I’m not taken off guard and feel obligated to say, “Yes.”

Here’s one scenario.

(Boss) “Consolata, I know your Spring Break is coming up and I thought you might like some extra hours.”

(Consolata) “Boss, I appreciate you thinking of me and offering me the extra hours.  You’re right, I could use the extra money but, I’ve planned to use that extra week to catch up on some personal projects.”  “Thanks again for thinking of me – Ask me again next time.”

Do you see how you can be gentle but firm?  There is no need to apologize, or over explain.  Just be gracious and honest and everything else will take care of itself.

If this approach does not feel natural to you, then maybe using a little humor is more your style. 

Here’s a second scenario:

(Friend) “Hi Consolata, I was wondering if you could babysit for me again on Friday night?

(Me) “Nope, never again as long as I live!”  “No really, I’m afraid I’m not available Friday night.”  “I’m sorry I can’t help you this time.”

You can try out different responses to see which ones feel most natural.  What are some other great responses you can come up with to make ’saying no’ more fun?

The bottom line here is to consider what the worst outcome could be from saying “No.”  Living an authentic life can seem tough. Sometimes there will be unwelcome consequences.

You have to teach people how to treat you.  It takes repeating an activity 31 times in a row to develop a new habit.  Keep practicing saying “No” and over time, your friends and family will come to respect your boundaries and appreciate your graciousness and honesty.

Truthfully, you might lose some friends or get the cold shoulder from your family.  Simply keep in mind that those people are feeling rejected.  They don’t know how to react to you when you stay firm and stick to your personal boundaries. Release yourself from guilt, shame and people pleaser ways.  And, when you feeling yourself teetering on the edge, remember that you are staying true to yourself and putting your priorities first.