Emotional Boundaries Require a Constant Vigil

I’m convinced that people will gnaw away at your personal boundaries if you let them.  They are just like those little no-see-um gnats that swarm your head and drive you nuts. If you make concessions and give anyone in your life an inch, I will guarantee they will take a mile.  That is why maintaining your emotional boundaries requires a constant vigil on your part. 

I’m no relationship therapist but, even I know that it is a constant struggle to keep that line clearly drawn in the sand.  Even though the waves of humanity are constantly trying to erase the boundaries that you set it is incumbent upon you to maintain your authenticity and keep up the border.

Emotional Boundaries in Love Relationships

Love relationships are the hardest.  With the ebb and flow of a personal relationship, emotional boundaries are hard to keep.  There is a tendency to give more slack in these relationships than we would give a friend or coworker.  Saying No is hard but, saying No and really meaning No requires a steely reserve that most of us do not have.  That’s where couples counseling, marriage therapy or other counseling services come in handy.  These folks are trained professionals.  They know how to navigate the land mines that exist along the pathway to a healthy relationship.

I am angry right now.  I have allowed many of my personal boundaries to become breached over the last week.  I’m feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.   I’m trying to make really good decisions yet, I feel like I’m being stuffed back down into the box from which I recently escaped.  Writing is my depression therapist.  For me, sharing my thoughts with you is my best treatment for depression.

Most of you know that when I left my husband last year, I completely re-evaluated everything about my life.  I formulated a new plan and set upon a path of self-awareness and emotional healing.  I wanted to let go of my anger and learn to love and value myself again.  In order to do this, I had to say good-bye to my old way of doing things.  This included constantly giving in or rather giving up my personal boundaries and what was important to me.

Emotional Boundaries and Codependency

I believe that the opposite of boundaries is codependency.  After all, when we rely on emotional dependency to operate, we actually morph into the person our partner wants us to be.  We become unable to maintain our own identity because that might be too threatening to our partner.  Standing up for you somehow equates to disrespecting them.

All of this causes me to wonder how you develop a relationship in which both parties have the right to draw the boundary in the sand without becoming threatened?  Is it after the third date that you have a State meeting between yourselves and formulate a strategic plan by which you each agree to operate as independent States yet each contributes to the good of the Country as a whole?  Honestly, I don’t know how this works.  What I do know is that what I know about developing and maintaining a successful relationship ain’t much.

Emotional Boundaries and Counseling

I am beginning to believe that most of us cannot organically develop whole, emotionally healthy relationships without the aid of relationship counseling.  My hypothesis is partially tested through my personal life experience.  First, most of us are a product of mild to moderate dysfunction within our own families.  The generation that raised us is the same generation that developed child psychology.  Therefore, it is reasonable to assume that what our parents knew about healthy child rearing was only slightly more advanced than the techniques of their own parents.   Second, I believe that our own biorhythms functions to draw to us that person that responds to our personal energy. 

So for instance, if we are brought up in an extremely restrictive environment and suffer from low self-esteem, what sort of energy do you suppose we are putting out there into the Universe?  What sort of mate would you expect to draw to yourself?  A predator perhaps?  Maybe someone that might take advantage of your weaknesses? 

I hope you can see from this analogy how important it is to become emotionally healthy and to stand strong in the face of your pursuers.  Take your stick and draw a giant swath in the metaphoric sand of life.  Mark and defend your personal boundaries against those that pursue you and even those closest to you.  And you know what?  Encourage those you love to do the same. 

One final note, when you find yourself struggling, don’t forget there are many professionals out there that can help you and your loved one navigate the choppy waters of relationships.  They are experts at turning the tables on the negative and shining a light back on the possibilities of a healthy, loving relationship.  When it gets too hard don’t forget to ask for help.